It’s Beginning to Leak a Lot Like Christmas

23Dec10

The New York Times reported this week that WikiLeaks claimed to have obtained Santa Claus’s 2010 Christmas list and would release the names of millions of people worldwide and the gifts that they would be receiving on Dec. 25. It was unclear how WikiLeaks obtained the list, but it is believed that a low-level elf working in the North Pole IT department downloaded the vast database while pretending to be listening to Christmas tunes online.
santas_headquarters
It was not known if the North Pole maintained a backup database, but that question was rendered moot yesterday when WikiLeaks made good on its promise and published the list on its web site.

The action led to a blizzard of reactions on the eve of the Christmas holiday.

Through its press office, the North Pole released a statement calling the theft “unconscionable and devastating to the trust that Santa Claus has worked hundreds of years to establish. After this, how can anyone speak freely while sitting on the lap of a bearded stranger in a red suit?”

The American Civil Liberties Union defended the WikiLeaks action, calling the concept of Santa Claus “a pernicious deception that undermines our fundamental belief in truth and justice above all else. Those with nothing to hide have no reason to fear the leak,” added an ACLU attorney. “Anyone who asks Santa for the DVD box set of ‘Sex and the City’ deserves to be exposed.”

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange also defended the leaks.

“Santa Claus and Christmas are mythological constructs in the service of American capitalism and imperialism,” Assange said. “I hate Christmas almost as much as I hate America.” (The leaked list did reveal that “ankle bracelet” was written next to Assange’s name.)

We continue to pore over the millions of names on Santa’s leaked list and so far we have identified several names of local interest along with the Christmas gifts they are slated to receive.

  • Town Administrator Steve Maio: a financial crystal ball and a Fortune Teller’s License.
  • ZBA members: flak jackets.
  • MGLD General Manager Pete Dion: Utility Pole Invisibility Kit.
  • The Friends of Lake Quannapowitt: chain saws.
  • Former State Senate candidate Craig Spadafora: a muzzle for comedian Lenny Clarke.
  • Mark Falzone: a Kowloon gift card.
  • T-Mobile: a flagpole with neighborhood appeal.
  • Attorney Brian McGrail: a variance and a Special Permit.
  • DPW Director Rick Stinson: PowerPoint 16.0
  • The Board of Assessors: evening meetings.
  • School Committee member Dan Lieber: a Wakefield Track & Field sweatshirt.
  • Police Chief Rick Smith: Red Sox tickets.
  • Gov. Deval Patrick: The Wonder of It All
  • Eric Estevez: a recount.
  • Selectman Betsy Sheeran: a satellite dish.
  • That’s as far as we’ve gotten so far in our efforts to isolate local names from the millions on Santa’s leaked list. If we haven’t found your name yet, consider that your Christmas gift from us.

    [This column originally appeared in the December 23, 2010 Wakefield Daily Item.]

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